I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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