im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I love you. Go after that dick
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
