I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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