I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
