TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The feeling are messing with the penis
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
