Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
