i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
