Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
