somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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