My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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