my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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