hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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