if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
