If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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