this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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