he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
