Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
