i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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