Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
