my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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