i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
