i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
