Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
