Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
