Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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