My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize