i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
