Don't make out with my wife yet
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need water and some morals
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
