Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
