farters have to be the big spoon...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
