I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
