I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
