I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
