I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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