I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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