Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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