i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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