dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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