dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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