Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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