When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize