OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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