Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
