I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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