Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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