life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
