I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
