you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
