hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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