she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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