my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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