her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wear drunk well.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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