Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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