My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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