You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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