stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
