I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
