I am in a vortex of obligation.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize