I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
