we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
