He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
